I’m thinking it may be a good idea to talk abt some etiquette issues in communicating with each other on the forum.
I intend this to be a general discussion and it is not intended to target anyone, it is similar to one I started when we moderators were getting the forum ready. We already have rules against harassment or abuse, so that isn’t what I’m talking about.
I see a few instances of disagreement that seem to be based on some misunderstanding or poor logic. So I have some suggestions:
This is an Anal Only forum, this is a sexual interest, maybe a “kink”. As a result there is a lot of fantasy involved in it. Which is natural, some like the idea of a world where everyone is anal only, others prefer submissive/dom aspects, etc. The reality is that this is not a mainstream kink, and there is not a large body of research into it, or objective “truths”. What we do have is multiple experiences, perspectives, and feelings.
We have had our own surveys, and also interpretations of other data. The reality is that we all are subjective to several logical fallacies (myself included) - we have confirmation bias (we want to seek out or highlight data (or parts of data) that supports our own views.
A common bias is False Consensus Bias. This is very common in all populations. It is normal to assume that the majority of people think the same way we do. There are others as well.
It is completely normal to feel this way. The problem is when we disagree with others we may -even unintentionally- dismiss other perspectives or views and assert we know the “truth” on a particular topic.
I strongly suggest that we refrain from undermining other people’s experiences, views, perspectives, etc.
we can do this by using “I” statements, e.g.:
“I feel that this submissive aspect is important to my wife”
“In my experience, gaping is enjoyable/not enjoyable”
“In our AO relationship we enjoy oral as well as anal”
“We are AO and permit clit stimulation and consider that ok”,
Etc.
We should avoid telling others that they are wrong if it’s not an objectively verifiable point (e.g, the earth is round, not flat). But quite honestly, what’s the intention of correcting someone else’s opinion if you believe it’s “wrong”? It’s poor form and bad manners at best. Unless someone is asking for advice there’s no point in dismissing others perspectives except to harm others or inflate our own egos, different things work for different people. We are literally a community of people who are choosing (or hoping to) live a lifestyle in opposition to mainstream views.
The only other reason I can think of to “correct” someone would be to correct illegal behaviour - I.e. sexual abuse, bestiality, etc.
again my intention is to support an inclusive, supportive community of people with a common anal interest. It is not to insult anyone. We can do this through accountable communication that stresses personal experience and doesn’t undermine others.
I would rather see you say this is directed at me. Cause this seems to be about what an anal orgasm is, right ?
As I said at the start of my post, this is in regard to multiple posts I’ve seen on (mostly) the old forum, and some on this one. It makes sense to use some common courtesy etiquette in communication.
It’s simply some suggestions for reducing potential conflicts and increasing communication. These are the same sorts of statements that are encouraged in any good course, therapy, or worksites.
Wel the “I message” is something I do all the time. Also in real life. Been doing that at least 30 years now.
But the truth is the receiver rarely gets that it is an “I message” and next I need to explain myself. On this forum there are a whole different bunch of people. Going from very smart till barely finished school.
I don’t think many of them will receive it like you want to. Since this forum started, I ‘ve been more my bold self in my reactions. Notice how some people get it and like it while others take it as if I attack their personality ? There’s no way around this. On this forum people have their character and need to adjust.
Me too.
Thank you for creating this topic. I think it is addressing a pretty important perspective that we omitted when making rules for the forum. Probably as it is something that is hard to define in advance by some list of specific rules. Question is if it is something you can “enforce”.
In general, it is common in online discussions for people to believe their perspective is the only valid one, often leading to disrespectful behavior towards others. I see it everywhere - reddit, youtube, news articles… and I would like to avoid having this bad habbit on this forum.
So far I think our forum is thriving and overall there is very friendly attitude.
I very much wish for this forum to be welcoming to all people who enjoy anal play in any form, being it fully AO or just being curious about it. I would like to create a safe enviroment where people feel comfortable sharing their opinions, likes/dislikes, experiences or simply asking questions and be curious. I don’t want anyone to feel shamed or judged for what they like or think. Everyone is unique and has their own set of values, and this is definitely not a place where those values should be criticized. On the contrary, this should be a place where people can openly share and feel supported by the community. Of course if it is not about something illegal etc.
And I strongly believe this is what everybody here wants.
This is not something we can define as a set of rules. But recommendations and suggestions could help for sure! This is more about creating such an environment and helping those who may act in ways that could be problematic to turn to right direction. It is important to talk about it. I think that having a discussion about it may help to find the right way to reach such a goal or at least remind us why we are here.
Agreed, these are etiquette suggestions and not enforced rules.
And in any written format it is easy for people to misunderstand our intent, which we cannot control. I do find that when I am made aware that someone has misinterpreted my intent, it is helpful to clarify my intent and acknowledge someone else’s perspective as well. That’s the accountability to community connection.